"Sipping Starbucks: An Exploratory Session featuring Rayla and Brittany"

This week's topic: Brittany wants to know my opinion on hippies

First off, I would like to explain that there are three types of people in Portland: the Normal People, who are the definite minority, the Hippies, of which there are two subspecies, and the Weird people. The Weird People can more accurately be described as the “people who have spiked or unnaturally colored hair and wear trench coats, but they’re not emo, are usually smoking pot, and have hippie-ish qualities but are even weirder than hippies and only know how to socialize with themselves, and can become violent when in the presence of another group of Weird People that don’t vibe with their particular weirdness.” You know, those people. Even the hippies avoid them and goodness knows Normal People do.

But I digress. Back to hippies. As I mentioned, Hippies belong in one of two subspecies: Normal Hippies and Weird Hippies, aka Portland Hippies. Normal Hippies might seem like an oxymoron, but let me assure you, it is not. Normal Hippies are what most people think of when they think of hippie. They are definitely hippies, but can and do socialize with normal people. Sure, they know an awful lot about organic foods, and might be wearing organic cotton clothing that is landfill friendly, but they can still function normally. Sure, they look weird, but at least they act normal, except with the occasional pot smoking (but I guess that’s also normal for Normal People). Also, if they own a car (most own bicycles), it will be one of the following: a Prius, a Subaru Outback with an Obama sticker on it, or a small car that is 25+ years.

This brings us to the Portland Hippies. These are the extreme version of the Normal Hippies. They are stoked up on all kinds of drugs and usually great you with “Hey, man,” but generally they don’t socialize with Normal people. Their hair hasn’t been washed in years and their clothing is some kind of cross between Normal Hippies and skaters. Weird Hippies cannot socialize with Normal People at all and are only ever surrounded with other Weird Hippies. They are mostly harmless, but somehow have this ability to make themselves look really, really scary. Do not leave me along with these guys, EVER.

So what is my opinion of hippies? I try not to judge, but I can’t help thinking that they are weird. Normal Hippies are fine, and can actually be quite hilarious, so I would be happy to have some Normal Hippie friends. Don’t ever introduce me to Weird Hippies, though. Those guys are seriously scary. And quite possibly have lice.